Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
