I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
