My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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