can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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