I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Houston, we have a blender
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
