Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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