Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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