Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
