sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
