On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
And then my night got REAL pukey
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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