i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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