the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Hippo gnu deer
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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