i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
And the cops told us we were all naked.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
