She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
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I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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