the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
