dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
