Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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