I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I didn't shave. On purpose
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Randomize
