i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Randomize
