Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize