It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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