my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
