"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I have fence marks all over my body
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
