He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
