I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
