I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
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There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
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I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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