No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
