you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Randomize
