You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
