So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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