I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
