Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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