I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
