The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
