In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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