My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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