have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
