Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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