Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I think my moral compass just broke
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
