I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
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i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
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I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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