Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
