we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
