How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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