I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
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I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
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Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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