I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I need water and some morals
we're so committed to being not committed
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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