well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
