one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
