I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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