how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
