His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I look better un-naked...
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
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