oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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