the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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